Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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