My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
