Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
