I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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