Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize