i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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