I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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