im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize