I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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