my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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