I just saw a hot homeless man
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
