i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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