just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
