***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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