Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
