so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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