I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
