How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
