can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize