Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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