can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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