plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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