i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Randomize
