So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
