summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize