My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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