My liver just broke up with me...
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
