I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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