I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
it's great music for shaving your balls
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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