i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize