There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
