the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
