he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
she peed on how many people?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
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