when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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