i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
This is classic penis vs brain.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
