Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
