i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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