I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
