He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
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