I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Small penises have feelings too.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize