I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
