so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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