She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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