I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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