Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Oh god it's open bar.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
