its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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