Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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