Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
