She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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