somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Blow job season was short but glorious.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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