She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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