Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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