Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
