Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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