Too much gin, very little bucket
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
