just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
