My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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