we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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