I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
There's always time for handjobs
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
