Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You can't special order awesome
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
