My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Randomize
