Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
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