I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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